In the beginning, my cat created the world…

I’m pretty sure this is what happened:

First my cat made the ceiling & the floor ² The room was without form and void, and darkness was upon my cat’s Ikea rug that, during the fury of decoration, had been victim to the tipping of her rather large cup of coffee; and the Spirit of my cat was moving over the face of the stain. ³ And my cat said, “Let there be paper towels”; and there were a few old kleenexes in her purse that she found, and those worked okay.⁴ And my cat saw that the stain was gone; and my cat had separated the light from the darkness. ⁵ My cat called that light colored rug a “freakin’ sweet deal,” and the darkness she called, “a totally lame foe” for absorbent things. And there was a big party in the evening and a terrible hangover in the morning. My cat decided that this separation of  partying in the dark and sobering up the light would be called morning and evening, one day. ⁶ And my cat said, “Let there be furniture in the midst of this room, and let it separate the living room from the kitchen because there was no wall or curtain available to divide those two areas” ⁷ And my cat arranged the furniture and separated the place where food is made from the place where food could get on the sofa. And it was so. ⁸ And my cat called The Furniture Heaven off of I-90 to complain about the scuff marks on the recliner that were made by the delivery men when they carried it through the front door. And there was another booze fest in the evening and there was another hangover in the morning, my cat regretted this second day. ⁹ And my cat said, “Let there be a shower and a bath tub under this roof and let them  be gathered together into one place, and let a bath mat be placed outside of the shower so that dry floor will appear.” And it was so. ¹⁰ My cat described the dry floor as “earthy brown” because she couldn’t remember what the actual color of the finish on the floor was called , and the waters that were gathered together in the bath tub she determined would cause an infant to drown if it’s parents weren’t properly warned of the danger or if they weren’t paying attention and they were, like, texting or something. And my cat saw that it was good that she had been spayed and, had unlimited texting, so purposefully or accidentally drowning her offspring wouldn’t really be an issue for her.. ¹¹ And my cat said, “Let me go to Fresh Direct’s website and put forth an order for vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon this shopping list.” And it was so.¹² The Fresh Direct truck brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And my cat saw that it was good, except for a few bruised bananas. ¹³ And there was another evening and there was another morning, and there was another empty bottle of Aleve on the third day. ¹⁴ And my cat said, “Let there be track lighting on the ceiling to enhance the light of the day and keep the room from being too dark in the night; and let there be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, like: Christmas trees, allergies, and a calendar that the public schools hand out for free so that children know on which day that they are eating what.” ¹⁵ and let those lights in the ceiling firmament the dreary darkness of the room give light upon this cramped, but affordable, space.” And it was so. ¹⁶ And my cat fixed the two great lights, the normal light to rule the day, and the black light to rule the night; she hung fuzzy posters on the wall that glowed under the black light also. ¹⁷ And my cat wired them to two different switches so that she could easily flip on the black light when she spent the evening floating in a heaven of heavy drug use and then be able flip the other switch to give light upon the room if she began to panic or had purchased some bad shit by accident. ¹⁸ This was needed for her to  rule over the day and over the night, and to separate her self from being high and too high. And my cat saw that it was good. ¹⁹And there was evening and there was morning, and a fourth day and a copy of “Wine Spectator” came in the mail. ²⁰ And my cat said, “Let these awesome deals on fermented beverages bring forth swarms of living creatures to my home, and let my fabulous party firmament my name from those who are not as popular and as admired as I.” ²¹ So my cat created the great buckets of ice for the champagne and the cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bunch of those mini quiches that are typically enjoyed by every creature of cool with which the waters of Facebook swarm. It is according to their profiles, and every quiz they’ve taken and bands that they love, that these are all magnificent individuals who are blessed with the dry intellect and witty buoyancy that keeps them afloat in their seas of creative juices and allows them to navigate the thin cusp of ever-changing trends   … this according to their own kind. And my cat saw that this was good. ²² And my cat said blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply, condoms are for prom and prudes, and fill each other with the waters of your genital organs, and let yourselves multiply on this earth so that you may abandon the children that you waited too long to abort and they will hate you and go onto talk shows and then I will aways have something to watch on Tv in the afternoons.” ²³ And there was evening and there was morning, and a fifth day and a huge mess that my cat was left to clean up. ²⁴ And my cat said, “Let the earth bring forth these living creatures that, according to their kind, are awesome: the fashion cattle and the creeping things and the beasts of the earth that according my friend feed  all had a great time last night but didn’t take my camera.” And it was so. ²⁵ And my cat made the beasts of the earth and the fashion cattle according, and all those other creeps check their bags one more time to make sure they didn’t take her camera. And my cat saw that it was in-between the sofa cushions the whole time. ²⁶ Then my cat said, “Let us upload these images, the ones after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the sea of Facebook, and over the skies of Myspace, and over the retarded-farm yard that is Twitter, and over all the search engines, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the internet.” ²⁷ So my cat created the internet in her own image, in the image of my cat  she created him; male and female she created them. ²⁸ And my cat blessed them, and my cat said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the sea of message boards and over the torrent-filled air and over every fad that moves the internet.”²⁹ And my cat said, “Behold, I have given you every photo on my camera yielding the seeds of meme-dom  which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seeded caption; you shall have them for your embarrassment and my pleasure. ³⁰ And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, every woman that showed her breasts to me at my party last night, I have promised a certain green plant for you when you’re done being upset with me for posting your picture on the internet.” And it was so. ³¹ And my cat saw everything that she had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, and a sixth day that included a few curt emails. Thus the party and the social networking were finished, and my cat, the host of them both, was beginning to feel drained from all the makings of trouble and stuff . ² And on the seventh day my cat finished her work tagging photos which she had photoshopped to make herself look better, and she rested on the seventh day from all her work which she had done. ³ So my cat blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on it my cat rested from all her work which she had done in creating her home and social life and consumed a large amount of Thai food.